Friday, January 11, 2013


I have been in a pretty awful mood for the past week. There is truly no rhyme nor reason for it. I am just pissed off.  I can get it under control for a few hours and then BAM, I am irritated as all hell again. This cycle is pissing me off in and of itself, so I am not a pleasant person so be around for the time being.

The trouble is, my being in a bad mood seems to be making people think it is about them. Everyone seems to think I am mad at them and that is a problem because it just puts me in a worse mood.

I have been thinking a lot. It's nothing spectacular or earth shattering. I am just sort of in an "analyze this" mode. Nothing devastating has come from my thoughts nor will anything devastating happen.  I am simply thinking about a lot of different things. I am mostly thinking about myself, my life and my perspectives. Certain little things set the wheels turning and I have to let them turn.

It's very difficult when you feel like you can't think or you feel like you are not allowed to be in a bad mood. It seems everyone around me is getting into a huff about it and is making it all out to be a bigger deal than it is. I just need to get through my moment. Heck, I might just have really bad PMS or it could be my thyroid hormone levels evening out. It is really not a crisis when I am in a bad mood. We all get in bad moods now and then. It's just that other people are allowed to think and be a bit pissy, and well, I'm not.

I am rambling. I just had to write this out because it's making me anxious.  I am getting close to panic attack level with this anxiety.  I have sort of shut down and don't want to talk to anyone directly because it is just that overwhelming.  I feel like if I say anything the person I am speaking to is going to take it in some weird way. Then they will go and get sympathy and kind words for the way they are feeling while I am sitting here feeling like a pathetic piece of shit for daring to have emotions and thoughts. 

Yes, I am being whiny and jealous and selfish with those feelings. I don't care. It's how I am feeling. I will stop feeling like this.  I know that.  It's just for the time being I am having a great deal of difficulty controlling this anxiety as I am not sure what it is that is causing it exactly. I need to retreat from the world for a bit so I can just calm down and get back to being pleasant and happy. If I am anything but I am being an evil witch and trying to bring people down or some other such crap.

They say history repeats itself...

I am always hearing two arguments when it comes to an individual's past behavior, one being, it's the past... leave it there and the other being that history repeats itself.

I do not think either idea is correct. It is true that you can not change the past. What's done is done and you can only move forward, but, how can you move forward without learning from the past? If we simply throw our hands in the air and say "Oh well, it's said and done now", without taking the time to learn from it, we will  remain stagnant. The same is true for wallowing in the past, of course.

If we remember our past and take things from our experiences it is unlikely that history will repeat itself. We can know what went wrong, how it did and what to do in the future. If we just ignore our own personal histories under the guise of not being able to change it, we may very well end up making very similar mistakes.

So, that is about our own personal pasts... What about the pasts of others around us?

I do not believe in constantly harping on another person's past, especially if it was from a time period when you didn't know one another.However, a person's behavior in the recent past can shed some light on how the may behave now. Throwing ones hands up and saying "Well, it was six months ago" can lead you into having your own internal battle and of course, it may not. The thing is, I believe it is best to err on the side of caution.

I am not hypocritical. I expect people to err on the side of caution when it comes to me also. It wasn't all that long ago that I made some very poor choices and exhibited abhorrent behavior. It would be prudent to realize there is the possibility I could do the same thing again. I know in my heart I would never do such things again, however, only I know my heart. No one else can see into my heart, mind or soul and should realize that.

A persons previous choices and poor behavior is similar to the ideas about substance abuse and addiction. When you are a recovering addict or know a recovering addict, you realize an addict may always have a propensity toward addiction. An addict may never relapse, or the may relapse multiple times, sometimes they never truly recover. It would be foolish to assume they will remain clean for the rest of their lives and on the flip side it is silly to assume they will not be able to remain clean. You have to take things a bit at a time with a degree of caution as you keep your eyes peeled for signs. This train of thought will come in handy when you meet a person who has a past filled with the same behavior repeating. One shouldn't condemn them to never changing, but you also need to remember old habits die hard sometimes. A person also has to remember that old habits are easy to fall back into within themselves, also.  No one is above any type of flaw.

We can only do our best to make the best choices for ourselves and learn from our pasts. We also can not expect others to blindly believe we are suddenly a changed person.

#8, 9, 10

I haven't written the past 3 days due to a combo of laziness and lack of internet on a couple occasions.


I am thankful for my BFF Penny. She is always there when I need her and I could not ask for a better friend.


I am thankful for long talks with my kids. It's so nice to just sit down and hear their thoughts. Kids' minds work in the best way.


I am thankful I am here.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Puppy training and dog ownership

I recently acquired another family member. This family member may be small now, but she will soon grow to be larger than my kids.

I used to have two pugs and three cats. Now, I have an American Bulldog/Pit mix, two pugs, and three cats. It's quite the zoo in this house. The interesting thing is I don't really care for dogs; I never have, yet suddenly I find myself with a larger, "scary" breed of dog.

The new addition, Baby, is quite the character. She is very friendly, very smart and very loving. She has yet to meet a person or animal she doesn't life. She is about twelve weeks old so she is all puppy. Having a puppy means my life has been put on hold.

Puppies, especially those who will grow to a considerable size, need to be taught to listen and obey from the moment they enter your home. It's so much more than just housebreaking. A dog should be taught that he/she is low man on the totem pole in your home. They need to know who is in charge and to listen and obey. It is a lot of work! It is tiring, seemingly endless, bordering torturous work. It has to be done.

So many people purchase a sweet little puppy thinking everything will be rainbows and sunshine; then the chewing begins, the digging, the barking, the jumping, the accidents and suddenly puppies aren't so sweet. All puppies have the ability to grow up to be a happy, healthy dog with good manners, owners just have to put some work in. Unfortunately, not many people want to bother with the tedious training. This leads to potentially aggressive dogs, jumpy dogs, dogs who incessantly bark, and dogs who just drive you bat shit crazy.

Every dog should be taught the basics: house training (of course), sit, stay, lay down, come, NO and "leave it" and they should all be leash trained as well. A dog who knows these commands and respects the commands will be happier pup and the owner will face less problems and undesirable behavior issues. I personally believe training should go beyond that. I feel a dog should be taught not to jump on visitors,to immediately stop barking when someone their owner deems to be ok, enters the house, not to beg for food, and ask to get on laps or furniture (if you want to allow it).

Training beyond the usual commands and leash training is certainly far easier with a puppy in the long run. It's much harder to break an older dog of ingrained habits. This is why training should begin the minute your puppy or dog come into your home.

Each Monday, I am going to  write about my experiences with training my new pup. Baby has gotten the hang of sit and is catching on to walking on the leash. She pees consistently outside, but seems to like to poop in her crate at night. I have worked out a plan to stop this. I spoke to other dog owners and did a lot of research. I am hoping I can get this issues solved quickly! I will outline the plan and how it worked next week.

I hope by writing about my experiences with training a puppy, others may find info they need before adopting a puppy or get new ideas for their current puppy/dog. 


I am grateful for my memory and intelligence.

I used to lament the fact that I had no talents. My brother was an amazing artist, as was my Nana and friends that I have. I have friend who can sing beautifully and other friends who can play instruments and make it look easy. I always felt I didn't have anything to bring to the table.

People have always called me smart; classmates would want to sit next to me just to copy my work. I never liked it. I didn't believe I was smart. I knew I had a knack for remembering number sequences and random facts but I never felt it was a talent or anything special until I took the ASFAB test and scored highest for any female in the country. At that point I began to wonder if maybe my memory was some sort of talent, but, I still never thought of myself as smart.

As time has gone one, I have embraced the fact that remember things with ease. I don't need my contacts list in my phone; everyone's numbers are in my head. I like being able to pull up random facts, though people often assume I am wrong or stupid. I also don't just simply remember facts, I am able to use what I know to figure out other problems or questions. I can use life experiences to figure out other people.

It may not be a tangible thing, but I feel like I have something. I am able to apply things to my life and it helps me everyday.

How does it affect your life?

It's a new year and that means it's time for new debates and new laws about old topics.

I have been a part of many internet debates about various topics. I believe I have explained before that I am pretty good at seeing other people's points of view, Therefore, I am usually pretty good at playing devil's advocate. There is a topic I have a hard time doing that with; and that topic is gay marriage.

I am not a religious person, but I know a fair amount about the major world religions. I have been to a variety of Christian churches. I spent a year in Catholic school and also worked for a Catholic retreat. I have participated in bible studies and have also studied many things on my own time.  I think religion is very interesting thing and it can be a wonderful thing. I personally believe faith is an amazing thing and often wish I could know how it feels to have such strong faith.

I have no major qualms with religion, I do, however, take issue with people at times. I do not understand how another human being loving someone of the same gender is detrimental to anyone. As long as the relationship is between two consenting adults, I see nothing wrong with it at all.  Like faith, I believe love is an amazing and beautiful thing.

I understand that in the bible we can read about how being homosexual is wrong. I also understand that the bible was written in a different time period. I even understand that there are many passages in the bible that instruct us to do or to not do things and we do not heed those passages. Many people claim that those passages which we do not follow today were meant for the time period... times have changed. Why is it that we must pick and choose?

I understand some people believe being homosexual is a choice. I can see why this would make sense on the surface.Two people of the same gender do not "fit together", it serves no biological purpose as we are supposed to procreate and it doesn't fit many long held beliefs on what love is and should be. However, if you dig deeper below the surface, we can see it doesn't truly make sense that it would be a choice. These days, being homosexual is more accepted, but, for a very long time it wasn't. Even today there are hate groups and hateful individuals who target those the believe to be gay with violence and cruelty. Why would someone choose to live a life where others treat you as a lesser being? Why choose to be fearful of revealing who you are? Wouldn't it just be easier to choose to live the life deemed to be the "norm"?

I do not believe being gay is a choice at all, but there are many who do. These people do not want to allow two people in love to marry. They do not want them afforded the same rights as those given to a partner of the opposite sex. Why? I hear people claim is will destroy the sanctity of marriage.  I hear people quote scripture. I hear people "remind" us that marriage is between one man and one woman.

Marriage is no longer a christian or even religious thing. It is a legal document stating that two people are now a family. It's a legal document giving kinship. It allows a partner to make critical decisions in dire situations. It allows ones partner to be covered under health insurance and it has some tax benefits. What does giving two people of the same gender do to you?

Divorce rates are high. Spousal abuse rates are high. Do these things not destroy the sanctity of marriage?

Let's pretend for a moment that being gay is a choice. Even then, how does two people who love one another who pay for a legal document to create kinship in the eyes of the law affect you? How does this hurt your well being or day to day life in any way?

There was a time when people of different races were not allowed to marry. We learned that was wrong. There are many inter-racial marriages now and it has not hurt any of us. Why is gay marriage so different in the eyes of some people?

I know that if someone is not "that way inclined"  it is hard to grasp wanting to be in a relationship with someone of the same sex. I know the very idea seems alien. I know some people feel disgusted by it and just plain don't like it, but, really, just because you can't fathom something doesn't mean everyone else is or should be feeling the same way as you. If you don't like it, why not just turn your head?

Homosexual behavior has been noted in almost all species. To me this proves it is more natural than some would like to believe. I also believe this shows that homosexuality serves a purpose and is part of our existence whether some like it or not.

The bottom line is a human being is a human being. We should treat eachother as we would want to be treated. You will never like everyone you meet, just as not everyone you meet will like you, however dislike should not cross the line to hatred and desire to hurt another human.


I am grateful for my parents.

They care very much for me and my children. They try to help out as much as they can when our finances suck. They may not like things that I do or say at times, but hey, sometimes I don't care for them very much either. Haha.  The bottom line is we all love each other, no matter.