Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Happy New Year... sort of

Here we are... another new year another new beginning.

As you know from my previous blog posts, 2012 was not a very good year for me. Barring any "beyond my control" circumstances I am dead set on making 2013 a great year for me. The number 13 is my lucky number and also represents the day I was born on in March. This year the full date of my birthday adds up to 13.  I am a fan of numbers so I am positive this year will be my year.  I understand it sounds crazy, but its my motivation, so to speak.

I have decided I will make a post a day for the entire year and perhaps beyond. I have mentioned writing is a cathartic way of clearly my mind and composing myself. I am positive writing each day will have numerous benefits for me. While not all my posts will be happy, I am going to start them all with a positive thing about myself and my life.

This year, I am also hoping to start a good exercise and eating regimen.  I spent most of the last year moving very little and eating a load of crap. It's been shown a good diet and regular exercise improve mood as well as ones health. I need an improvement in both areas for sure.

Another thing I plan to do this year is to let go of the past and charge on, head held high into my future. I have spent too much time holding on to past mistakes and thinking about how I can change things.  I have realized I can only change my thoughts in the present which will change my future. All my past mistakes were lessons.  I have learned from them so I will not repeat them.  I have let go of toxic people and my own toxic thinking. There are too many ways to count that I have allowed other people to influence my thinking and behavior. I am my own person, with my own thoughts. I got caught up in worrying about what other people will do, say or feel.  They are their own person, with their own thoughts and more importantly their own lessons to learn and I need to not worry about hurting their feelings if I don't want to go along with their ideas. It's what got me in trouble last year and lead to my insane amount of guilt and shame.  It was my mistake... my lesson to be learned.

I wanted to come on here and write a positive post today and outline all my changes for this year; However, I am not sure I can do that. I am in depressed mood. Last year, I spent New Years eve with my brother.  It was to be his last day drinking. We had a blast. This year I had a good time also, don't get me wrong.  I watched movies and ate fun snack foods with my kids. They made it to midnight and they ended up sleeping in until 11am today. I just felt empty. It didn't feel like NYE.  Even if my brother hadn't been here, he would have called at midnight.

I miss my brother like crazy. We didn't always get along. We had epic fights. Sometimes we didn't talk for awhile.  The one thing you could always count on between us is that we always forgave each other. We had a great 23 days of January, 2012. We hung out almost every weekend. It was like we both finally saw that even in our darkest moments when we felt like no one cared, we had each other. I felt good for those 23 days. Things felt like they were going to be ok.  I know it wasn't that way for him. He was freaked out about his upcoming court date for the DUI.  I tried my hardest to calm him down, but as the date grew closer he got more and more anxious. He just didn't want to face it.  He didn't. Though he still has a warrant for not showing up for court. Sometimes I think I should go ahead and turn his ashes in.

I like to think maybe this wouldn't be so hard had my brother died in a car accident, by accidental overdose or some other type of accident. The fact that it was a gastrointestinal hemorrhage... it's just beyond comprehension.  He was 26. He was just sleepy before he went to bed at midnight (which was early for him). I saw him just the day prior. His only complaint was being more than normal anxious and sweaty. He never said his stomach hurt, never complained of signs of bleeding...  it makes no sense. Massive GI bleeds don't kill 26 year olds without some kind of signs.

 I am wondering if I can request the full autopsy report.  I am curious to see if it will shed light on exactly what happened. I kind of have a sick need to know exactly what went on in his body that night as he slept.  I have always been very interested in the medical sciences. I have read a lot and understand quite a bit for someone who has not been to medical school. Perhaps that is what drives my need to know? Perhaps its that I want to ensure it won't happen to me? Maybe I want to know there is way to prevent it from happening to anyone else I know?  I am not really sure, I just need to know. As my brother was not married and had no children, my father is his next of kin. I don't know if only he can request the autopsy report or if I can.  I wonder if it's too late as it has been almost a year. Do they throw those things out?

I wish I was not sitting here writing about my brothers autopsy, in fact, thinking back on the fact I am makes me want to vomit. It's just I made it through Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas without any major problem but for some reason New Year's Eve just tripped something in me. I am really never going to see him again. He really is gone forever. It wasn't supposed to be this way. It's not what I had planned. It's just not right. I need my best friend.

 I want him to somehow come back.  I want this so bad I pretend ghost detecting apps on my stupid iphone could somehow communicate with him if he was around.  I want to talk to him so bad I talk to psychics hoping to get a solid message. I have to admit I have gotten some very accurate readings, but it's never enough. Every night before I go to bed I pray I will have a dream of him.  I use apps that play binaural beats hoping it will bring my brainwaves to some type of "higher state" so maybe I can have an out of body experience and go visit him. I know all people who experience the death of a close loved one wish for that person back. I also know, all people grieve in their own ways; Despite that, I wonder if I have absolutely lost it.

He was so intelligent. He was so quirky. He is my brother. I am dedicating 2013 to him.  I am going to make good on my promise to him, our pact. I am going to do what it takes to be happy.  I am not going to sit and be complacent anymore. I am going to work toward doing what I have dreamed of and being happy. 2012 showed me what I don't want to be. 2012 showed me life is short. 2013 will be a year of change.


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