They say history repeats itself...

I am always hearing two arguments when it comes to an individual's past behavior, one being, it's the past... leave it there and the other being that history repeats itself.

I do not think either idea is correct. It is true that you can not change the past. What's done is done and you can only move forward, but, how can you move forward without learning from the past? If we simply throw our hands in the air and say "Oh well, it's said and done now", without taking the time to learn from it, we will  remain stagnant. The same is true for wallowing in the past, of course.

If we remember our past and take things from our experiences it is unlikely that history will repeat itself. We can know what went wrong, how it did and what to do in the future. If we just ignore our own personal histories under the guise of not being able to change it, we may very well end up making very similar mistakes.

So, that is about our own personal pasts... What about the pasts of others around us?

I do not believe in constantly harping on another person's past, especially if it was from a time period when you didn't know one another.However, a person's behavior in the recent past can shed some light on how the may behave now. Throwing ones hands up and saying "Well, it was six months ago" can lead you into having your own internal battle and of course, it may not. The thing is, I believe it is best to err on the side of caution.

I am not hypocritical. I expect people to err on the side of caution when it comes to me also. It wasn't all that long ago that I made some very poor choices and exhibited abhorrent behavior. It would be prudent to realize there is the possibility I could do the same thing again. I know in my heart I would never do such things again, however, only I know my heart. No one else can see into my heart, mind or soul and should realize that.

A persons previous choices and poor behavior is similar to the ideas about substance abuse and addiction. When you are a recovering addict or know a recovering addict, you realize an addict may always have a propensity toward addiction. An addict may never relapse, or the may relapse multiple times, sometimes they never truly recover. It would be foolish to assume they will remain clean for the rest of their lives and on the flip side it is silly to assume they will not be able to remain clean. You have to take things a bit at a time with a degree of caution as you keep your eyes peeled for signs. This train of thought will come in handy when you meet a person who has a past filled with the same behavior repeating. One shouldn't condemn them to never changing, but you also need to remember old habits die hard sometimes. A person also has to remember that old habits are easy to fall back into within themselves, also.  No one is above any type of flaw.

We can only do our best to make the best choices for ourselves and learn from our pasts. We also can not expect others to blindly believe we are suddenly a changed person.

How does it affect your life?

It's a new year and that means it's time for new debates and new laws about old topics.

I have been a part of many internet debates about various topics. I believe I have explained before that I am pretty good at seeing other people's points of view, Therefore, I am usually pretty good at playing devil's advocate. There is a topic I have a hard time doing that with; and that topic is gay marriage.

I am not a religious person, but I know a fair amount about the major world religions. I have been to a variety of Christian churches. I spent a year in Catholic school and also worked for a Catholic retreat. I have participated in bible studies and have also studied many things on my own time.  I think religion is very interesting thing and it can be a wonderful thing. I personally believe faith is an amazing thing and often wish I could know how it feels to have such strong faith.

I have no major qualms with religion, I do, however, take issue with people at times. I do not understand how another human being loving someone of the same gender is detrimental to anyone. As long as the relationship is between two consenting adults, I see nothing wrong with it at all.  Like faith, I believe love is an amazing and beautiful thing.

I understand that in the bible we can read about how being homosexual is wrong. I also understand that the bible was written in a different time period. I even understand that there are many passages in the bible that instruct us to do or to not do things and we do not heed those passages. Many people claim that those passages which we do not follow today were meant for the time period... times have changed. Why is it that we must pick and choose?

I understand some people believe being homosexual is a choice. I can see why this would make sense on the surface.Two people of the same gender do not "fit together", it serves no biological purpose as we are supposed to procreate and it doesn't fit many long held beliefs on what love is and should be. However, if you dig deeper below the surface, we can see it doesn't truly make sense that it would be a choice. These days, being homosexual is more accepted, but, for a very long time it wasn't. Even today there are hate groups and hateful individuals who target those the believe to be gay with violence and cruelty. Why would someone choose to live a life where others treat you as a lesser being? Why choose to be fearful of revealing who you are? Wouldn't it just be easier to choose to live the life deemed to be the "norm"?

I do not believe being gay is a choice at all, but there are many who do. These people do not want to allow two people in love to marry. They do not want them afforded the same rights as those given to a partner of the opposite sex. Why? I hear people claim is will destroy the sanctity of marriage.  I hear people quote scripture. I hear people "remind" us that marriage is between one man and one woman.

Marriage is no longer a christian or even religious thing. It is a legal document stating that two people are now a family. It's a legal document giving kinship. It allows a partner to make critical decisions in dire situations. It allows ones partner to be covered under health insurance and it has some tax benefits. What does giving two people of the same gender do to you?

Divorce rates are high. Spousal abuse rates are high. Do these things not destroy the sanctity of marriage?

Let's pretend for a moment that being gay is a choice. Even then, how does two people who love one another who pay for a legal document to create kinship in the eyes of the law affect you? How does this hurt your well being or day to day life in any way?

There was a time when people of different races were not allowed to marry. We learned that was wrong. There are many inter-racial marriages now and it has not hurt any of us. Why is gay marriage so different in the eyes of some people?

I know that if someone is not "that way inclined"  it is hard to grasp wanting to be in a relationship with someone of the same sex. I know the very idea seems alien. I know some people feel disgusted by it and just plain don't like it, but, really, just because you can't fathom something doesn't mean everyone else is or should be feeling the same way as you. If you don't like it, why not just turn your head?

Homosexual behavior has been noted in almost all species. To me this proves it is more natural than some would like to believe. I also believe this shows that homosexuality serves a purpose and is part of our existence whether some like it or not.

The bottom line is a human being is a human being. We should treat eachother as we would want to be treated. You will never like everyone you meet, just as not everyone you meet will like you, however dislike should not cross the line to hatred and desire to hurt another human.

Fear and Happiness cannot exist together

We all have things we fear and the things we fear change as we grow, age and change. Part of what creates our fear is what we are taught.

We all start our lives naked and helpless, yet all of us start with a certain amount of genetic programming. From there what we are taught by our parents and our individual experiences shape who we become and even dictate what we fear. Some of us fear change, we may fear the thoughts of others, or we may even fear ourselves.

To be truly happy we can not fear. It sounds simple, but it's actually quite difficult. As human beings we are constantly thinking and constantly worrying. Basically to let go of fear, we need to embrace it. We need to understand we don't know everything, not even close.

 We need to understand that the basis of all our fears is simply fearing the unknown and we need to realize that the unknown may not always be a bad thing.  At times as we approach the unknown it can appear to be a very negative thing, but just because something seems bad at the time doesn't mean it will always be that we. Even the worst experiences can lead us to a very happy ending.

I've found there really is no truth other than approaching life without fear, without trepidation, and approaching it with an open mind. Our own truths may vary, but they are constantly evolving. The truth we knew as a child is no longer the truth we know as a teen or an adult.

If we live our lives with an open mind and open heart, embracing our forever changing truth and perspective, we will find happiness. Happiness can be found by taking the time to abolish anger and hatred from our hearts.

We've all be wronged by another and we have all done something we regret.  If we stop and realize we all make mistakes and we all have the same emotions and walk a mile in another persons shoes we can grow as individuals. I have always followed the saying there is 3 sides to eveyr story, their side, your side and the truth. We all have biases, we all have ways we want to see things in order to better cope, we have views of people and ideas that we don't want to change and we fear seeing the truth instead of our own truth. Sometimes we need to take a hard look at things and realize, no matter how scary it is, that our truth may not be someone else's truth and neither truth is entirely accurate.

Human beings harbor anger, disgust and hatred to avoid taking that hard look at themselves or someone/something they believe in. Happiness can not be found in harboring these negative emotions. You may think you are happy, but ultimately what you feel is a false sense of feeling better than someone or something. That smug thinking will eventually lead to your own downfall.

I will say that evil does exist among the human race, but thankfully, those who have true maliciousness in their hearts and minds are few and far between. The majority of us are just trying to find our way and find our place on this rock floating in space. Most of us simply want to find happiness, love and to be loved. Those who do not care for those things can usually be easily picked out. They are the ones who, if they have children, don't put their children's need ahead of their own, for instance.They prefer to do what suits them than do what is right by their kids. They are the ones who don't care when they lose a loved one. They are the ones who can steal without the bat of an eyelash. They have no regard for human life outside of their own. I will reiterate, thankfully, there are not many people like this.

One day...  I hope we can all realize we just want the same things.That we all have made mistakes. We all have skeletons in our closets and we all have demons we must face. When we finally realize we all have negatives to contend with and that we ultimately all want the same thing, we can see true peace on this planet.

I don't want to be different

This post will probably sound somewhat narcissistic, I imagine. I assure you, I don't really think very highly of myself, though I do hope I can work on it so one day I will.

When I was younger, when I was in grade school, I often wondered if I was "different", as in special in some way. I think perhaps many of us wonder that and also hope we are. I used to hope  I was special on almost a divine level. I had grand plans for my future utilizing my "specialness".

 I was made fun of an bullied a lot in school so perhaps my hope, which bordered on belief, was a way I coped. I often used to think of myself in an invisible bubble or box. I felt so separated and detached from my peers. I truly didn't feel like I was the same as them and felt very different. Over time, I realized and convinced myself I was no more special than anyone else. I figured we all experienced life in pretty much the same except for individual experiences.

Now that I am older and have had more experiences, I realize that yes, in many ways, we are all pretty similar; but, there are differences in how we see and perceive the world around us.

While I still don't believe I am anymore special or better than anyone else, I grappling with the though that perhaps I am more different than I thought.  It's as if I have traveled back in time to my school age years. I feel like I am in that bubble again.

What makes me feel different is the fact that I am hyper sensitive to other peoples facial expressions, body language and emotions. My mother always told me I was hyper sensitive to these things growing up and she was right. I was also very volatile emotionally. These days I am not nearly as likely to fly off the handle.

Many people tell me I am hard to get close to and it seems like I have a wall up.  They are right.  It has to do with the fact that I seem to be very in tune with how others are feeling and sometimes even thinking. At times, it almost seems as though I know how another person feels before they do. I wish I could be as in tune with my own emotions as I am with others. I have no idea how to pull my wall down for others.

I have a hard time being around large groups of people because of this. I also have a hard time being around any one person for too long. I will literally take on the emotions of the people around me. If someone is mad, sad, depressed or anxious I end up feeling the same way.  Thankfully, the same goes for positive emotions.

I often wonder if I am one of few who experiences this. I have a hard time with it as I have moments of frustration that other people don't seem to pick up on the things I do.  I used to have a saying with my brother that he should just listen to me, because I am always right.  Of course, I am not always right but I will tell you, when it comes to analyzing another person I am pretty on point most of the time.

I have a hard time just talking about my feelings with a friend. I am usually the listener and will only bring up my feelings when I am giving an example of an experience in my life during a conversation, if I know a person really well, or like now, when I write. I am having more trouble even just bringing up things with people I am close to because I have found many of the people I have gotten to know don't like hearing about other people.

 Most people rather keep interactions shallow. Honestly, I have decided I prefer that as well now. I have been burned by too many people and rather not reveal much about myself anymore. I used to hope, wish and pray I would meet someone who I could tell anything and everything to. I would lay in bed at night thinking about how great it would be to just let everything in my head out and have someone really listen and not judge me. Hopefully this dream is not as far off as it used to be, but for now I don't have the ability to do that.  I can talk and talk and talk but I usually just drone on about things happening in the here and now. I express the majority of my thoughts and feelings in writing and will probably being doing a lot more of that.

I just know I don't want to be different and I don't want to feel secluded. I want to know other people can feel others emotions and can "read" the small things people say, words they choose, etc and be able to form a pretty accurate analysis of them. Mostly, I want to know that others can read me.

There are many people who think they have me pegged but they are way off. I need to open up more, but it's a terrifying idea as I am not sure how to do it properly. I tend to put those I let get close up on a pedestal. I put full trust and faith in them and become blinded. I no longer read them well (I still will feel their emotions) and tend to allow myself to be manipulated.  I go out of my way to help them. I go out of my way to make sure they aren't anything but happy. The biggest issue here is not that I end up hurt, but sometimes I end up hurting someone else in this process. It's like my brain goes into hibernation mode and I do idiotic things.

The first set is recognizing the problem and I have definitely recognized it.  I just need to work on a better way to fix it  instead of being reclusive. I need to learn how to shut off my hypersensitivity to people. I need to become hypersensitive to my own behavior. I need to find others who are like me. People who enjoy talking about the same things I do. People who feel the world in a similar way...

People who struggle with their own footprints that they have left behind. People who want to leave positive strong footprints on this earth in the future

Becoming a Juggalo

Starting off the year right with two posts. No worries, I will still write tomorrow, haha.

I am sure most people know what a Juggalo is. For those who don't, to put it simply, a Juggalo is someone who is a fan of Insane Clown Posse (ICP). To go more in depth, is a Juggalo is not just a fan of ICP, a Juggalo relates to the music, understands the message and connects with others who feel the same. This where the "family" part comes in. Most Juggalos thinks of themselves, not as a group of fans, but as a family. They all became a fan of the music for a singular reason and it ties them all together.  In some ways, being a Juggalo is like being part of a religion. The idea is that "the family" will always have your back. Of course, like within any group of human beings, there are people who take advantage, manipulate, lie, cheat and steal. Human beings are not perfect and even some of the most reliable people end up doing one of the things I mentioned... I digress. Well, because there is name for this group they have been labeled a "gang" in many states.  Idiotic really.  Why aren't parrotheads a gang? Well because they don't proudly state their taste in music when committing a crime as some Juggalos do.  For the record, those people who steal, and murder other human beings are not Juggalos... they are simply heartless individuals who listen to the music.

I grew up in Massachusetts.  I remember hearing about ICP now and then. I had never heard their music and I never sought it out either.  I didn't know anyone who listened to it or called themselves a Juggalo. I met a guy we all called "Ohio"  and he had Twiztid tattooed down his forearm.  I asked him what his tattoo meant and he just simply told me it was the name of a band.

My parents and brother moved out to Omaha, Ne in 2005. My husband and I wouldn't end up following suit until the next year. While I was still in Mass and my brother was in Ne we would talk quite a bit. Thanks to a good friend of his taking the time to visit him in Nebraska and helping him out, my brother was able to make quite a few friends. The people he met and who immediately called him friend, called themselves Juggalos.  I remember my mother trying to explain it to me.  I thought is this some kind of weird "Giggalo" thing? My brother got more in depth and explained it to me. I couldn't help but think, "So because you all like the same bands you are now a family?"

When I finally moved to Omaha, my brother started playing some of the music for me. I liked some of it. I honestly felt held back in some ways from giving it a try because of my husband.  In my eyes he has always been a music guru, so to speak. So when he told me ICP and the likes were crap I kind of went with it, Even when I discovered I liked most of the albums and even had favorite songs I kind of kept it to myself.

My brother really got into the music and "the scene". He was sporting his silver hatchetman, his jerseys and concert t's. The big thing was, my brother got the message behind the violent lyrics.  He even called it prior to hearing "Thy unveiling".  He and I would talk about the music, the message, the style and the marketing and business aspect.

When my brother died I decided to collect most of his cd's and listen real hard yet again.  I knew most of the songs by heart already and even knew the meaning, but wanted a new perspective.

I have to say Twiztid is my favorite now. I love most of ICP's older stuff but there are a few songs on Bang Pow Boom and The Mighty Death Pop that I absolutely love too. I really understand the message that they are trying to convey. I love it from the business side and the incredible marketing.  I love Violent J's and Shaggy's story.

 I dislike some fans idea of what family is and what Juggalo means.I dislike using the face paint and lyrics to manipulative, garner sympathy or commit crimes. I dislike the idea that everything must stay the same in the world of "The wicked shit". Twiztid has left the psychopathic label, but they are sill Juggalos. They are still the epitome of family and what it means. I hear people crying that ICP "Made" twiztid and how dare they leave? It makes me think... our mothers and fathers essentially made us, and we all eventually (one hopes) leave the nest. We go on to make our own lives. Can that analogy not be made here? I hear people cry that this is the end of the collab groups Dark Lotus and Psychopathic Rydas. Has no one heard of people from different labels collaborating on songs or different groups? This outcry about Twiztid leaving, leaves me wondering if this isn't a sign of the times. Many reports have comes out showing younger generations are ill equipped to deal with the future (changes) needing mommy and daddy every step of the way. We are seeing people who can not see past the end of their own noses, people who lack empathy, compassion, sympathy or simple the ability to know not everyone is the same.

I have always said, "I am not a Juggalo, I just like the music". Today, I am telling the world, that yes, I am a Juggalo. I have been involved in all the developments.I understand the lyrics. I can grasp the story behind it all.  I know many Juggalos. I get along with Juggalos, we relate.  I am a Juggalo.

Now, some of you may ask "Why is she calling herself a Juggalo and not a Juggalette?" The reason is simple, when Juggalos "came to be" it was Juggalo. It was decided somewhere that there needed to be gender specific name for females.  I don't believe there needs to be a specific name for the female lovers of ICP, Twiztid and so on. Why differentiate? Aren't we all a part of it for the same reasons? Do we not all feel and think the same? It's Juggalo....

I have to credit my brother for introducing me to a group of people who I can get along with and leaving behind something that will always remind me of him. I'm late in the game.  I am not as cool as those who have "been down for like 20 years", but I get it, I love it and I live it.

http://youtu.be/g560fLYbi-A

Thoughts on depression and suicide

I think by now we have all heard about the prank pulled by the two radio DJs in Australia. If you have been living under a rock, the gist is that these two DJs called the hospital where Duchess Kate was staying due to having hyperemesis gravidarum. They didn't think they would get through and lo and behold, they did.

The nurse who initially answered the call and patched them through to the floor Kate Middleton was on allegedly committed suicide just days after the prank. It has not yet been ruled a suicide, but it looks very likely that is what occurred.

I have read so many comments on this story it's insane. I have seen people say everything from, the DJs should be held accountable to people saying horrid things about the nurse committing suicide.

First, let me say, I don't believe the DJs should be held accountable for this woman's suicide. From what was said on the air prior to and after the prank call, both DJs truly thought it was just a bit of fun and didn't think they would get through so easily; both sounded very shocked they were actually put through and then even more shocked when they were given private information. Personally, I think the hospital needs to rethink how they handle calls when a high profile person is admitted there. One would think they would have had a special question or at the very least a code word for these situations.

I feel terrible for the nurse who felt it necessary to take her life. I find it absolutely abhorrent that so many people feel the need to say terrible things about her. Yes, I agree with many of these people in that it is a very small thing in the grand scheme of life and really makes little sense to end your life over.  However, I would venture to guess this wasn't the only thing she took her life over. I have to assume she had other things going on, underlying depression and perhaps outside pressures. This incident would have been likely the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak. The articles state she was from India. It's also quite possible she felt immense shame for her mistake due to cultural influences. I can't be sure of course, as I am not her nor am I part of her family, though, I do know that in parts of India it's considered very bad to shame oneself or ones family. The other thing to consider here is that maybe she did not intend to kill herself and instead took one too many meds and overdoses accidentally. We may have a better idea when the autopsy comes back but we also may never really know.

I am unsure if it is because of increasing use of social media, my age or if people really have become more judgmental and cold, but I have noticed that people seem to seriously lack compassion or any degree of empathy. I understand that to those left behind, suicide appears to be a very selfish thing, however, I am not of the belief that it is always truly selfish or all that cut and dry. Yes, there are people who choose to die to avoid debts which are then transferred onto their family, others do it to hurt someone specific in their life and others still do it after committing a crime as a final "fuck you" to their victims and law enforcement. Those examples are definitely selfish in nature.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Absolutely it is... in most cases. Inside the mind of someone so severely depressed and suicidal they think it is the only solution, unfortunately. They believe the pain they are going through in this life will never end. They believe they are doing their loved ones a favor by relieving them of the burden of themselves. You can argue that it is still selfish because they are only thinking of themselves.  You can argue that they should have asked for help. Unless you have been there yourself, you can't understand the warped thinking. I will repeat what I have said, they think their loved ones are better off without them. They truly view themselves as burden.

Asking for help is easier said than. As has been demonstrated in the numerous comments on the article about the nurse, people don't tend to have anything nice to say about suicide or even depression. Reaching out for help when people will just tell you to snap out of it, stop it, get a hobby, or force a smile doesn't feel like a viable option. Why would anyone reach out when they feel like no one will even try to understand and instead, will just pass down judgment?

What about seeing a professional? Well, again there is that stigma. Friends and family making jokes and heartless statements about them seeing a "shrink" and yet again telling them to just get over it. On top of that, not all of us have the insurance to cover mental health visits. Some insurances will only cover something like 6 visits in a year. Out of pocket expenses to see anyone in the mental health field are astronomical. As you can see, it's not always so easy as just going to get help. Even then, help doesn't always help.

It's amazing to me that I see mothers and fathers speaking out about the harmful effects of bullying on our children, yet they turn around and scoff at the person suffering from depression. They quickly type out nasty words against someone who has taken their own life, not thinking about the fact the family or even another family who lost someone the same way may see it.

Death is something that none of us can truly comprehend. It's the one thing we will all have to face, yet it is alien, it is scary and something most of us would like to pretend doesn't happen. The fact remains, it does happen... to everyone. The very idea of forcing our own death is even more inconceivable. Why jump ahead to that awful, awful thing? Just because you wouldn't do it and have never felt so low to even consider it, doesn't mean those who have considered it, attempted it or succeeded are deserving of your cruel judgment.

Life, Death and Rebirth

As mentioned in my previous post, January marked the beginning of a less than stellar year. To be more specific, it was January, 24th.

I would actually like to start with the end of 2011. My brother, Michael, was always my closest friend; However, he was also the source of much worry and concern in both mine, my parents' and even some of his friends' lives.

He had been the victim of bullying for the majority of his school years. He did not cope well and truly did not move forward from it all. My brother developed depression but most notably severe anxiety. Michael spent much of his waking moments anxious, but a sudden change in routine or harsh words from peers could send him into a panic attack. His moods could switch quite quickly and you really didn't know what version of him you might get. He developed a drug problem over a short period of time. His drug of choice was alcohol, but unfortunately he would take anything that could numb his emotions even for a short time.

When his behavior was overwhelming for me in any number of ways, be it that he angered or hurt me, or that  I was simply worried, I would vent about it. The common consensus was to remove him from my life, but I never could do that. There were a couple occasions where I limited contact with him and once when I banned him from my home. I always decided to give him another chance. I wanted to help him, support him, but mostly I loved him and I missed him when he was gone.

My brother was lucky in many ways. He seemed to rarely, if ever, have any major consequences for the worst of his actions. However, in October, 2011, the beginning of three consequences occurred. He lost his mind and hit our father. Sadly, I can not say this was the first time he hit our father or the first time he had gone after any of us. My parents called the cops and he spent a week in jail. He was not pleased, of course, but I am not sure it really sunk in as my dad and myself co-conspired and got him bailed out prior to his court date.

In December of 2011, he got his first DUI. He blew a .363 at the scene and .294 at the station. He was still standing, though didn't make much sense from what I heard. He had also apparently hit a car and hadn't noticed. He never did remember doing it. Luckily for him... or perhaps not...  The police allowed my father to pick him up from the station rather than book him into jail.

My brother had decided he would quit drinking on January 1, 2012. He had asked me to stand by his side, sober.  I agreed. He came over to my house on New Years Eve and we had our last drinks.

He was doing really well, but was very nervous and very anxious over his impending court date on January 27th for the DUI and hit and run charges. It was his first DUI and I very much doubt he would have gone to jail, but he was scared.

I can remember January 24th like it was yesterday. I had woken up in a terrible mood. I drove my son to school, and after feeling wrought with guilt over taking my bad mood out on mostly him, I decided to bring the girls up there at noon to have lunch with him. I dropped my youngest off at her early childhood education classroom after lunch and went home.  I didn't do much, picked up around the house, read to my other daughter. I picked the kids up from school at 3:55.

I remember pulling into the driveway and looking at my phone (which is almost always set to silent). I had two missed calls and two voicemails. One from my mother, one from my father. I didn't really think. I just knew something had to be going on. I decided to listen to the voicemails in the car, rather than get the kids out and listen inside (which is something I would normally do). My mother sounded hysterical, my dad's voice an eerie false sense of calm to it. I told the kids we probably wouldn't be going inside, even though I still didn't know what was going on.

It took two tries to get someone on the phone.  I will never forget my dad saying "I am sorry... you're brother is probably dead"  Probably... Probably...  a word that gave an odd sense of hope to both my father and myself it seemed.

My dad had come home from work and noticed my brother hadn't brought the trash barrels in. He headed to my brothers room with the intent of yelling at him. From what he told me, he first though Michael wasn't home and had perhaps gone out with friends, but then he noticed his arm. My brother, was long dead. My dad called for my mother and then they both called 911 and me.

I lost my mind when my dad said Michael was gone. I remember yelling "I knew it" over and over. I was convinced he had overdosed. I called his two closest friends and then a friend of mine to watch my kids so I could race over there. When I got there, the coroner had just arrived, homicide detective and other police officers were also in the house. It was chaotic, yet efficient.

I remember counting the days until we got the cause of the death back. The police found pills bottles with my name on them in my brothers room. It was made clear to me that I ran the risk of being charged with manslaughter if it came back he had died of an overdose caused by meds he stole from me.

I felt like I had killed my brother.

Many people tried to comfort me, but I pushed many aside.  I felt like I could only talk to people who knew him for a very long time.

It seemed some wanted to take advantage of my state. I will say they didn't fully take advantage, as I allowed it. My behavior was truly abhorrent. I behaved in a manner I despised. I became everything I never wanted to be. I hurt people emotionally. I still harbor a lot of guilt and shame. I know I need to move forward and chalk it up to a lesson learned at this point, but it's so hard; I still kick myself in the ass every day. I wish I could go back in time and make different choices.

On March 13th (my birthday), we found out Michael did not die of an overdose at all. He died of a massive GI Hemorrhage. He was only 26, it still makes little sense. He could have been saved... I don't think I will ever understand it. I secretly wish I was in jail on manslaughter charges right now because at least I would have something to blame.

Over Memorial day weekend, my husband and I got into a fight of epic proportions. We had been growing a part for some time, but with the death of my brother, my husband working out of state and of course my recent behavior, stress levels had hit an all time high. We spent hours yelling and crying at points. At one point I grabbed his beard and pulled harder than I intended and he ended up hitting me in the cheek as a knee jerk reaction.  In nearly 8 years of marriage, at that point, he had never ever even came close to hitting me.  I truly believe it was not a purposeful movement on his part.  I ended up with a bruise. I foolishly vented about this in the group I was part of. One of the women (who I had met a couple times), called the police.

My husband was arrested nearly two days after the incident. I panicked. He was unemployed, but was receiving UE benefits. Obviously, when in jail you are not eligible to work, so he would not continue getting those checks. We were already in a financial hole due to lay offs in the past (he is a commercial electrician). I lost my mind. I straight up lost it. I was angry. I was sad. I was anxious.  I was so many emotions it was crazy. I couldn't sleep. I had to talk to the kids about seeing their dad arrested... why mommy was photographed by the police. I had no idea what to do. I was less than rational for a time. I was not angry at the woman who called the police.  I was not angry at those who told me it was a good thing he was arrested.  I was just stressed. My stress was viewed as something else, and I was alone.

Things were worked out. My husband plead guilty. It bars him from certain jobs, but it's not the end of the world for him as far as work goes.

My husband and I never got back to that place we were a couple years ago.  I have told him time and again I want a divorce.  I want an amicable divorce. We agreed to separate.

 I met a really amazing man who matches my personality closer than anyone I have ever met. I spent a lot of time with him much to my husbands displeasure (which I understand to an extent. Also I refer to him as husband as legally he still is). However, my family and most of my friends seem to think I am going through a phase. They believe this all has to do with my brother's death and I will "snap out of it". If we actually had the money to pay for a divorce, I would have filed the paper work. However, that money was needed for my kids food, and clothing. Divorce is far from cheap.

 I broke this man's heart because I told him I had to break it off, try to save my marriage. He loves me with all his heart. I love him with all of mine. Both are solidified by his willingness to wait for me. I don't agree he should. I don't feel worth it, but it is his choice to make. He will always have a place in my heart even if he chooses to move on tomorrow.

 I felt like I was moving forward through all this junk from the past 10 months. Now.....Now... I just feel like I am stagnant again at times. I feel like I am standing still... watching as life rushes by. I just don't know that this legal union can be saved. Do I go through the motions just to appease those around me, because it is viewed as the right thing to do?

I admit, I am scared to leave in ways. We have three children, a home we own, pets...etc.  Our home is more likely than not, going to be foreclosed on. So it leaves our children and pets.  I don't want to turn the kids lives upside down anymore than it has been by experiencing the death of an uncle they were close to... but at the same time, would my husband and I staying together really help them in the long run? They say it is better to come from a broken home than live in one. Can I survive as a single mom? (Do not get me wrong, their dad will absolutely provide for them. He will take care of them when he has time off work. I am sure of this) Sometimes I wonder. I am 30 years old and I have made choices this year that would be out of a 16 year olds playbook.

So, this has been my "outrageous" year. It hasn't ended yet. I am hoping to find balance, peace and happiness in the New Year. I am going to pull myself up, I will embrace the lessons that have come from my mess ups as well as those forced upon me. I will find my way. These footprints in my mind and on my heart will help me guide me. This will be my rebirth. Parts of me died when my brother did. I lost myself. I will live again. I will live better than I ever have.