Wednesday, January 2, 2013

I don't want to be different

This post will probably sound somewhat narcissistic, I imagine. I assure you, I don't really think very highly of myself, though I do hope I can work on it so one day I will.

When I was younger, when I was in grade school, I often wondered if I was "different", as in special in some way. I think perhaps many of us wonder that and also hope we are. I used to hope  I was special on almost a divine level. I had grand plans for my future utilizing my "specialness".

 I was made fun of an bullied a lot in school so perhaps my hope, which bordered on belief, was a way I coped. I often used to think of myself in an invisible bubble or box. I felt so separated and detached from my peers. I truly didn't feel like I was the same as them and felt very different. Over time, I realized and convinced myself I was no more special than anyone else. I figured we all experienced life in pretty much the same except for individual experiences.

Now that I am older and have had more experiences, I realize that yes, in many ways, we are all pretty similar; but, there are differences in how we see and perceive the world around us.

While I still don't believe I am anymore special or better than anyone else, I grappling with the though that perhaps I am more different than I thought.  It's as if I have traveled back in time to my school age years. I feel like I am in that bubble again.

What makes me feel different is the fact that I am hyper sensitive to other peoples facial expressions, body language and emotions. My mother always told me I was hyper sensitive to these things growing up and she was right. I was also very volatile emotionally. These days I am not nearly as likely to fly off the handle.

Many people tell me I am hard to get close to and it seems like I have a wall up.  They are right.  It has to do with the fact that I seem to be very in tune with how others are feeling and sometimes even thinking. At times, it almost seems as though I know how another person feels before they do. I wish I could be as in tune with my own emotions as I am with others. I have no idea how to pull my wall down for others.

I have a hard time being around large groups of people because of this. I also have a hard time being around any one person for too long. I will literally take on the emotions of the people around me. If someone is mad, sad, depressed or anxious I end up feeling the same way.  Thankfully, the same goes for positive emotions.

I often wonder if I am one of few who experiences this. I have a hard time with it as I have moments of frustration that other people don't seem to pick up on the things I do.  I used to have a saying with my brother that he should just listen to me, because I am always right.  Of course, I am not always right but I will tell you, when it comes to analyzing another person I am pretty on point most of the time.

I have a hard time just talking about my feelings with a friend. I am usually the listener and will only bring up my feelings when I am giving an example of an experience in my life during a conversation, if I know a person really well, or like now, when I write. I am having more trouble even just bringing up things with people I am close to because I have found many of the people I have gotten to know don't like hearing about other people.

 Most people rather keep interactions shallow. Honestly, I have decided I prefer that as well now. I have been burned by too many people and rather not reveal much about myself anymore. I used to hope, wish and pray I would meet someone who I could tell anything and everything to. I would lay in bed at night thinking about how great it would be to just let everything in my head out and have someone really listen and not judge me. Hopefully this dream is not as far off as it used to be, but for now I don't have the ability to do that.  I can talk and talk and talk but I usually just drone on about things happening in the here and now. I express the majority of my thoughts and feelings in writing and will probably being doing a lot more of that.

I just know I don't want to be different and I don't want to feel secluded. I want to know other people can feel others emotions and can "read" the small things people say, words they choose, etc and be able to form a pretty accurate analysis of them. Mostly, I want to know that others can read me.

There are many people who think they have me pegged but they are way off. I need to open up more, but it's a terrifying idea as I am not sure how to do it properly. I tend to put those I let get close up on a pedestal. I put full trust and faith in them and become blinded. I no longer read them well (I still will feel their emotions) and tend to allow myself to be manipulated.  I go out of my way to help them. I go out of my way to make sure they aren't anything but happy. The biggest issue here is not that I end up hurt, but sometimes I end up hurting someone else in this process. It's like my brain goes into hibernation mode and I do idiotic things.

The first set is recognizing the problem and I have definitely recognized it.  I just need to work on a better way to fix it  instead of being reclusive. I need to learn how to shut off my hypersensitivity to people. I need to become hypersensitive to my own behavior. I need to find others who are like me. People who enjoy talking about the same things I do. People who feel the world in a similar way...

People who struggle with their own footprints that they have left behind. People who want to leave positive strong footprints on this earth in the future

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