Friday, January 11, 2013


I have been in a pretty awful mood for the past week. There is truly no rhyme nor reason for it. I am just pissed off.  I can get it under control for a few hours and then BAM, I am irritated as all hell again. This cycle is pissing me off in and of itself, so I am not a pleasant person so be around for the time being.

The trouble is, my being in a bad mood seems to be making people think it is about them. Everyone seems to think I am mad at them and that is a problem because it just puts me in a worse mood.

I have been thinking a lot. It's nothing spectacular or earth shattering. I am just sort of in an "analyze this" mode. Nothing devastating has come from my thoughts nor will anything devastating happen.  I am simply thinking about a lot of different things. I am mostly thinking about myself, my life and my perspectives. Certain little things set the wheels turning and I have to let them turn.

It's very difficult when you feel like you can't think or you feel like you are not allowed to be in a bad mood. It seems everyone around me is getting into a huff about it and is making it all out to be a bigger deal than it is. I just need to get through my moment. Heck, I might just have really bad PMS or it could be my thyroid hormone levels evening out. It is really not a crisis when I am in a bad mood. We all get in bad moods now and then. It's just that other people are allowed to think and be a bit pissy, and well, I'm not.

I am rambling. I just had to write this out because it's making me anxious.  I am getting close to panic attack level with this anxiety.  I have sort of shut down and don't want to talk to anyone directly because it is just that overwhelming.  I feel like if I say anything the person I am speaking to is going to take it in some weird way. Then they will go and get sympathy and kind words for the way they are feeling while I am sitting here feeling like a pathetic piece of shit for daring to have emotions and thoughts. 

Yes, I am being whiny and jealous and selfish with those feelings. I don't care. It's how I am feeling. I will stop feeling like this.  I know that.  It's just for the time being I am having a great deal of difficulty controlling this anxiety as I am not sure what it is that is causing it exactly. I need to retreat from the world for a bit so I can just calm down and get back to being pleasant and happy. If I am anything but I am being an evil witch and trying to bring people down or some other such crap.

They say history repeats itself...

I am always hearing two arguments when it comes to an individual's past behavior, one being, it's the past... leave it there and the other being that history repeats itself.

I do not think either idea is correct. It is true that you can not change the past. What's done is done and you can only move forward, but, how can you move forward without learning from the past? If we simply throw our hands in the air and say "Oh well, it's said and done now", without taking the time to learn from it, we will  remain stagnant. The same is true for wallowing in the past, of course.

If we remember our past and take things from our experiences it is unlikely that history will repeat itself. We can know what went wrong, how it did and what to do in the future. If we just ignore our own personal histories under the guise of not being able to change it, we may very well end up making very similar mistakes.

So, that is about our own personal pasts... What about the pasts of others around us?

I do not believe in constantly harping on another person's past, especially if it was from a time period when you didn't know one another.However, a person's behavior in the recent past can shed some light on how the may behave now. Throwing ones hands up and saying "Well, it was six months ago" can lead you into having your own internal battle and of course, it may not. The thing is, I believe it is best to err on the side of caution.

I am not hypocritical. I expect people to err on the side of caution when it comes to me also. It wasn't all that long ago that I made some very poor choices and exhibited abhorrent behavior. It would be prudent to realize there is the possibility I could do the same thing again. I know in my heart I would never do such things again, however, only I know my heart. No one else can see into my heart, mind or soul and should realize that.

A persons previous choices and poor behavior is similar to the ideas about substance abuse and addiction. When you are a recovering addict or know a recovering addict, you realize an addict may always have a propensity toward addiction. An addict may never relapse, or the may relapse multiple times, sometimes they never truly recover. It would be foolish to assume they will remain clean for the rest of their lives and on the flip side it is silly to assume they will not be able to remain clean. You have to take things a bit at a time with a degree of caution as you keep your eyes peeled for signs. This train of thought will come in handy when you meet a person who has a past filled with the same behavior repeating. One shouldn't condemn them to never changing, but you also need to remember old habits die hard sometimes. A person also has to remember that old habits are easy to fall back into within themselves, also.  No one is above any type of flaw.

We can only do our best to make the best choices for ourselves and learn from our pasts. We also can not expect others to blindly believe we are suddenly a changed person.

#8, 9, 10

I haven't written the past 3 days due to a combo of laziness and lack of internet on a couple occasions.


I am thankful for my BFF Penny. She is always there when I need her and I could not ask for a better friend.


I am thankful for long talks with my kids. It's so nice to just sit down and hear their thoughts. Kids' minds work in the best way.


I am thankful I am here.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Puppy training and dog ownership

I recently acquired another family member. This family member may be small now, but she will soon grow to be larger than my kids.

I used to have two pugs and three cats. Now, I have an American Bulldog/Pit mix, two pugs, and three cats. It's quite the zoo in this house. The interesting thing is I don't really care for dogs; I never have, yet suddenly I find myself with a larger, "scary" breed of dog.

The new addition, Baby, is quite the character. She is very friendly, very smart and very loving. She has yet to meet a person or animal she doesn't life. She is about twelve weeks old so she is all puppy. Having a puppy means my life has been put on hold.

Puppies, especially those who will grow to a considerable size, need to be taught to listen and obey from the moment they enter your home. It's so much more than just housebreaking. A dog should be taught that he/she is low man on the totem pole in your home. They need to know who is in charge and to listen and obey. It is a lot of work! It is tiring, seemingly endless, bordering torturous work. It has to be done.

So many people purchase a sweet little puppy thinking everything will be rainbows and sunshine; then the chewing begins, the digging, the barking, the jumping, the accidents and suddenly puppies aren't so sweet. All puppies have the ability to grow up to be a happy, healthy dog with good manners, owners just have to put some work in. Unfortunately, not many people want to bother with the tedious training. This leads to potentially aggressive dogs, jumpy dogs, dogs who incessantly bark, and dogs who just drive you bat shit crazy.

Every dog should be taught the basics: house training (of course), sit, stay, lay down, come, NO and "leave it" and they should all be leash trained as well. A dog who knows these commands and respects the commands will be happier pup and the owner will face less problems and undesirable behavior issues. I personally believe training should go beyond that. I feel a dog should be taught not to jump on visitors,to immediately stop barking when someone their owner deems to be ok, enters the house, not to beg for food, and ask to get on laps or furniture (if you want to allow it).

Training beyond the usual commands and leash training is certainly far easier with a puppy in the long run. It's much harder to break an older dog of ingrained habits. This is why training should begin the minute your puppy or dog come into your home.

Each Monday, I am going to  write about my experiences with training my new pup. Baby has gotten the hang of sit and is catching on to walking on the leash. She pees consistently outside, but seems to like to poop in her crate at night. I have worked out a plan to stop this. I spoke to other dog owners and did a lot of research. I am hoping I can get this issues solved quickly! I will outline the plan and how it worked next week.

I hope by writing about my experiences with training a puppy, others may find info they need before adopting a puppy or get new ideas for their current puppy/dog. 


I am grateful for my memory and intelligence.

I used to lament the fact that I had no talents. My brother was an amazing artist, as was my Nana and friends that I have. I have friend who can sing beautifully and other friends who can play instruments and make it look easy. I always felt I didn't have anything to bring to the table.

People have always called me smart; classmates would want to sit next to me just to copy my work. I never liked it. I didn't believe I was smart. I knew I had a knack for remembering number sequences and random facts but I never felt it was a talent or anything special until I took the ASFAB test and scored highest for any female in the country. At that point I began to wonder if maybe my memory was some sort of talent, but, I still never thought of myself as smart.

As time has gone one, I have embraced the fact that remember things with ease. I don't need my contacts list in my phone; everyone's numbers are in my head. I like being able to pull up random facts, though people often assume I am wrong or stupid. I also don't just simply remember facts, I am able to use what I know to figure out other problems or questions. I can use life experiences to figure out other people.

It may not be a tangible thing, but I feel like I have something. I am able to apply things to my life and it helps me everyday.

How does it affect your life?

It's a new year and that means it's time for new debates and new laws about old topics.

I have been a part of many internet debates about various topics. I believe I have explained before that I am pretty good at seeing other people's points of view, Therefore, I am usually pretty good at playing devil's advocate. There is a topic I have a hard time doing that with; and that topic is gay marriage.

I am not a religious person, but I know a fair amount about the major world religions. I have been to a variety of Christian churches. I spent a year in Catholic school and also worked for a Catholic retreat. I have participated in bible studies and have also studied many things on my own time.  I think religion is very interesting thing and it can be a wonderful thing. I personally believe faith is an amazing thing and often wish I could know how it feels to have such strong faith.

I have no major qualms with religion, I do, however, take issue with people at times. I do not understand how another human being loving someone of the same gender is detrimental to anyone. As long as the relationship is between two consenting adults, I see nothing wrong with it at all.  Like faith, I believe love is an amazing and beautiful thing.

I understand that in the bible we can read about how being homosexual is wrong. I also understand that the bible was written in a different time period. I even understand that there are many passages in the bible that instruct us to do or to not do things and we do not heed those passages. Many people claim that those passages which we do not follow today were meant for the time period... times have changed. Why is it that we must pick and choose?

I understand some people believe being homosexual is a choice. I can see why this would make sense on the surface.Two people of the same gender do not "fit together", it serves no biological purpose as we are supposed to procreate and it doesn't fit many long held beliefs on what love is and should be. However, if you dig deeper below the surface, we can see it doesn't truly make sense that it would be a choice. These days, being homosexual is more accepted, but, for a very long time it wasn't. Even today there are hate groups and hateful individuals who target those the believe to be gay with violence and cruelty. Why would someone choose to live a life where others treat you as a lesser being? Why choose to be fearful of revealing who you are? Wouldn't it just be easier to choose to live the life deemed to be the "norm"?

I do not believe being gay is a choice at all, but there are many who do. These people do not want to allow two people in love to marry. They do not want them afforded the same rights as those given to a partner of the opposite sex. Why? I hear people claim is will destroy the sanctity of marriage.  I hear people quote scripture. I hear people "remind" us that marriage is between one man and one woman.

Marriage is no longer a christian or even religious thing. It is a legal document stating that two people are now a family. It's a legal document giving kinship. It allows a partner to make critical decisions in dire situations. It allows ones partner to be covered under health insurance and it has some tax benefits. What does giving two people of the same gender do to you?

Divorce rates are high. Spousal abuse rates are high. Do these things not destroy the sanctity of marriage?

Let's pretend for a moment that being gay is a choice. Even then, how does two people who love one another who pay for a legal document to create kinship in the eyes of the law affect you? How does this hurt your well being or day to day life in any way?

There was a time when people of different races were not allowed to marry. We learned that was wrong. There are many inter-racial marriages now and it has not hurt any of us. Why is gay marriage so different in the eyes of some people?

I know that if someone is not "that way inclined"  it is hard to grasp wanting to be in a relationship with someone of the same sex. I know the very idea seems alien. I know some people feel disgusted by it and just plain don't like it, but, really, just because you can't fathom something doesn't mean everyone else is or should be feeling the same way as you. If you don't like it, why not just turn your head?

Homosexual behavior has been noted in almost all species. To me this proves it is more natural than some would like to believe. I also believe this shows that homosexuality serves a purpose and is part of our existence whether some like it or not.

The bottom line is a human being is a human being. We should treat eachother as we would want to be treated. You will never like everyone you meet, just as not everyone you meet will like you, however dislike should not cross the line to hatred and desire to hurt another human.


I am grateful for my parents.

They care very much for me and my children. They try to help out as much as they can when our finances suck. They may not like things that I do or say at times, but hey, sometimes I don't care for them very much either. Haha.  The bottom line is we all love each other, no matter.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Gun Control Freak Out

After the horrific shooting at Sandy Hook elementary in CT, it seems every one is up in arms about gun control in this country. I want to say first and foremost that what happened at that school is beyond comprehension. Even with mental illness, very few would think to take the lives of children like that. It's something that will never be completely understood. At first it seemed that the shooter may have done it out of some bizarre jealousy regarding his mother, but as reports have shown, she wasn't even on staff at that school.

Onto gun control. I enjoy target shooting. I do not currently own any guns have not been target shooting in quite some time.  I would like to eventually own a gun and start target shooting again. So, as you can see, I am not anti-gun.

I have noticed some gun advocates want everyone armed and some anti-gun groups want all guns banned. Honestly, neither one of these extreme ideas will work. Look up the shooting on that military base not long ago, or at the police station in NJ that was even more recent. In both places, there were people who had access to guns and knew how to use them. In both places, people lost their lives and not one of the people who were around the victims shot the perp. People freeze, they panic, most people respond with flight instead of fight in these situations. There is also the risk that if there are a lot of "fight" oriented people that bullets will fly recklessly. Honestly, there are not many people who are a good shot without lining up their sites.

On the opposite side, banning all guns won't stop guns from being used. We already have an incredible number of guns coming into this country illegal, imagine what would happen with a full ban? This would cause far more problems than we already have. It would be a disaster.

Between both groups, I have also noticed a misconception that gun control means banning guns. That is not what it means. No one is going to come in and take your rifle, shotgun or handgun. Gun control means better background checks, and  restrictions on who can own a gun. It also means working out a plan to have better control on the weapons that come into this country. It also carries the possibility of a type of ban over assault weapons.

I agree with better background checks, psych checks and drug tests to buy a gun. I also agree with developing a plan to have better control over the weapons that come into this country. To an extent, I even agree with a type of ban on assault weapons. One does not use an AK for target practice or hunting, these weapons are designed to kill.  There should only be select people who are allowed to own one.

The biggest thing this country needs to do is to look into why we have more murders and specifically more mass murders of these type compared to other first would countries. Why are we flying off the handle, why are we killing eachother? Is there a higher incidence of mental illness here? If so, why?  Is it something to do with our culture? What is going on?

If anyone happens to read my blog, please feel to leave your thoughts.  I only ask that you are respectful and refrain from name calling. This is topic many people have strong opinions on. If someone can back up their opinion in a respectful manner, you can respond in the same respectful way.

The possible answer to my anxiety and maybe more

I think I will be making quite few posts today. I had another topic I wanted to address, but some research into possible causes of my anxiety has my brain on over drive about it and I just have to get it out.

I don't have a thyroid gland. It was removed in October of 2007. I had been having thyroid symptoms for years prior. When I think about it, my thyroid issues probably date back to the end of high school and only came to a head somewhere between my hip surgery and the birth of my first child.

At the end of high school I gained weight rather rapidly with no real reason. I was sluggish and depressed. Oddly, after my first hip surgery I lost weight pretty quick without any dieting. I have read surgery can cause an increase in thyroid hormone particular when it is a surgery done on bone.

After the birth of my first 2 children I lost weight very quick. I was thinner after my second child than I was when I was 19. I had chalked it up to breastfeeding, but it turned out I had hyperthyroidism. My thyroid was also growing larger. It was ultimately removed because a biopsy showed possible follicular cancer. They were originally only going to remove half but when they got in there they saw both sides were diseased.

Lately, I have been gaining weight. I hadn't gained any weight since the thyroidectomy aside from getting pregnant with my third child. I maintained a decent weight after her birth until mid 2012. It has really jumped in the past few months.

I have been lax on taking my thyroid replacement pills. I found out today low thyroid hormone can cause extreme anxiety, brain fog and many other things.  I think I have found whats going on and I need to get back on track.

I also found out that low thyroid hormone, oddly enough, can cause gastrointestinal bleeding. There is a reason this struck me. My brother's cause of death was GI hemorrhage.  It was shocking to every one of us. He didn't seem to have any major symptoms of a major GI issue. He had been gaining weight... see where I am going here?

The major things he complained about in the months prior to his death were constipation, an increase in anxiety and agitation, being more tired than ever before,memory issues and his hair falling out. We all kind of attributed it to just being him.  He was always a bit of a hypochondriac. Plus closer to the end he had some legal troubles and stress can cause all of those symptoms.

The biggest thing for me is he had been talking about how he seemed to feel his thyroid when he swallowed, ear pain and saying it felt like his thyroid felt bigger when he touched the area, I actually felt his thyroid myself a few years ago and it did appear bigger than it should, but, I am also not a doctor. There is also some evidence that thyroid issues run in our family.

I also found out that upon autopsy, a large percentage of people do not have a normal thyroid.  The incidence of abnormal thyroid findings increase with age, but it never reaches 50% for those with a normal one.  The incidence of thyroid problems has also increase 3 times since the 1970's.

I read a case study detailing GI bleeding in 24 year old patient. This patient had been having recurring  GI bleeding. Generally, when one experiences a GI bleed it will happen again. This patient presented with memory issues, constipation, chronic fatigue, increased anxiety and weight gain. They found out the patient had hypothyroidism and treated them with thyroid hormone meds. The patient, at the time of the study being published, had been without any bleeding for three years. Upon further investigation, they have found a larger percentage of people with GI bleeds also have hypothyroidism.

I have been curious to read my brothers full autopsy report, and now I really want to read it. If his thyroid was larger than normal it could indicate hypothyroidism. We only got the short autopsy report and tox report after we found out cause of death.  The short report only told us where the bleed was and it was huge bleed. I am definitely wondering if there was anything wrong with his thyroid.  Ultimately, I want to know just what the heck caused such a huge bleed so suddenly in someone who was only 26 years old.


I am grateful for the internet. Yup, that is correct, the internet.

I love to learn. I always have and the internet has helped me learn a lot. It has aided me in learning about other people. An internet chatroom is a great place to watch human behavior. It really gives some insight into the human mind and psychosocial behavior. In some cases, it can be a bit depressing but if one views it from a purely scientific standpoint it's very informative.

Also... if you know where to look you can get information about everything you'd ever want to know. Of course, the internet is also full of misinformation so you need to be able to distinguish between reliable sources and...well... crap sources. I spend a lot of time looking up things I wonder about or need to know. For instance, I just needed to quickly stop typing here and look up the average weight of pugs. That is something I wouldn't know off the top of my head (but will now).

The internet is an amazing thing.


Have you ever had overwhelming anxiety and can't figure out the exact reason?

That is what I am experiencing at the moment and experienced all day yesterday. I have had trouble sleeping for two nights now. I have always had a degree of insomnia, but this trouble is different.

I am overly tired during the day and feel like I am in fog. My brain is fuzzy. The worst part is I can not shake this feeling that something isn't right or that something bad is going to happen. This feeling was heightened yesterday when I took my youngest to the doctor (how thing is outlined in the previous post if you are curious). I kept thinking she was going to have to go in for emergency surgery for appendicitis, even though I knew logically the chances were low that it would turn out she had appendicitis. After it was ruled out, my anxiety level dropped some but it hasn't gone away. It's back at the same level it was prior to seeing her pediatrician.

I know lots of people have anxiety disorders. My brother had pretty crippling anxiety. I have always had social anxiety and prefer to be alone much of the time. I, of course, have experienced anxiety in stressful, frightening times, as we all have. I have just never had anxiety this bad. I can feel it in my chest constantly. I almost feel like I have to move all the time. I am not sure if my brain fuzz and fog are symptoms of anxiety too or if I have a bit of a virus but, I will tell you, the fuzz and fog sure are not helping matters.

I'm also feeling very snappy and angry. I am getting mad at little things. I am trying my best to keep my cool and not fly off the handle. The result is I just want to be alone and not go anywhere or do anything. I need to chill out. I just can not figure out how!

I am going to try taking a nap with the kids and maybe doing an exercise dvd later today.  I am hoping that will help me get rid of this anxiety.


I didn't get to write my daily "grateful post" yesterday as I spent my afternoon at my daughters doctors office and at children's hospital. I got home and didn't really want to think for the rest of the night. However, the events of the day have reminded me of something I am grateful for.

I have a post already about how I am grateful for my children, but today I am more specifically grateful that they are here and healthy. Yes, my son has ADHD, my daughter has suspected aspergers and my other daughter has a speech delay and all of these things can be trying at times, but I know it is nowhere near what some parents have to face. I am also grateful for my kids' amazing pediatrician.

I brought Maggie to see her doctor yesterday because all three kids had come down with influenza on Christmas. It came on hard and fast with high fevers, coughs and tears. My older two got over it in the usual time frame. Maggie took a bit longer and seemed to be on the up and up when suddenly her fever returned. She became far more miserable, sleepy and just wasn't acting like herself. She was saying her tongue and cheek hurt and knowing that kids will often say those things hurt when it's really their throat, I thought she may have strep.

We got to the doctor and he said her throat didn't look bad and her ears didn't look bad. He noticed her tummy hurt on the lower right and as he has had many more cases of appendicitis lately he wanted to rule that out. He told me kids don't always present with appendicitis in the classic ways adults do.  Of course, the prospect of appendicitis was frightening to me.

I got to battle trying to get her to pee in a cup (and subsequently got peed on) to rule out UTI. When her urine came back ok we got to go over to Children's Hospital for a chest xray and ultrasound. Thankfully, her appendix is not inflamed and she doesn't have a hidden pneumonia. The need note some enlarged lymph nodes in her abdomen so they ordered some blood work. I am currently waiting to hear back about that. For now she is on some antibiotics.

I am so thankful we found an awesome pediatrician out here who is thorough. He wanted to be sure nothing was missed since she has had the fever for so long and there was no obvious reason why. He has always listened to me and often asks what my gut feelings are. I couldn't ask for a better doctor for my kids and am glad they are all pretty healthy.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Drama whores

Over the past couple of days I have been experiencing the affects of internet drama whores. There is a person who I have not spoken to in 6 months due to a rather unfortunate series of events and some people decided that we were both making statuses about one another. Funny thing is, while I made a few status about the "unfortunate" events, nothing was directed at her or her family in any kind of malicious way. The things I saw from her end could definitely be construed as directed toward me, but as we have not spoken in 6 months how am I to know if she isn't having issues with another person in her life?

I decided to suck it up and send her a message about this crazy status stuff.  I won't lie, I was nervous to write to her. It's not that I thought she would say anything mean or rude to me. I know better than that.  I was nervous because I didn't want to run the risk of making all this silly drama worse.

Thankfully, I expressed myself correctly and the drama didn't increase and I think we squashed it. We actually had a pretty long talk via FB message and realized neither one of us had much interest in the other and we had just allowed  some petty individual to get in our heads for a moment.

We came to what I like to think is a good understanding of each other and the things we write about. We also gave each other a brief update on our lives. She is very happy and doing great. Her newest child is just adorable and she is living the life she has wanted for some time. I really like to hear the good events in people's lives especially when I haven't spoken to them in awhile.

I have to say I am thankful for the people in this world who are not enamored by drama and are sensible people. I enjoy having conversations with people who understand that there is not just one truth and that sometimes the truth we see isn't truth at all and are willing to alter their perception of things.

# 3

I am grateful I am able to meet all of my kids needs and provide them with some wants.

The past year has not been all rainbows and sunshine in the financial department, either. In fact, it hasn't been that was for the past 4 years. Shortly after we bought our house in 2008, my husband embarked on the first of a series of lay offs. Each lay off would last longer than the previous it seemed.

My husband is an electrician and joined the union out here in Nebraska. Due to the economy, there wasn't much in the way of new construction work being done so many electricians have suffered the same fate. Due, to all the time spent on unemployment we have not been able to pay certain bills and we owe $8,000 to the bank in order to get the loan on our mortgage current. As one may rightly assume, this is a very stressful thing.

 However, as luck would have it and has had it, each year he manages to get a job right before the holidays. So far, we have been able to afford a decent Christmas for the kids every year and they always have everything they need. I am eternally grateful for that.

My husband is working for a large company now that appears to have several bids on large jobs. It seems he may escape being laid off once this job is complete and will be able to move to another job site for the same company rather than go on the books and wait for something else to come up. I have been in contact with the bank and will hopefully be able to work out something feasible with them so we can avoid going through with a  foreclosure. Even if foreclosure occurs, I have found several large apartments for a great price in this immediate are so the kids can stay at the same school.  I would  just have to find someone willing to co-sign,as my credit is in the toilet.

I don't exactly understand how we keep managing ti avoid total disaster, and perhaps we won't entirely avoid it this time around but there are options. I just know I am truly grateful I can give my kids a decent existence.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Fear and Happiness cannot exist together

We all have things we fear and the things we fear change as we grow, age and change. Part of what creates our fear is what we are taught.

We all start our lives naked and helpless, yet all of us start with a certain amount of genetic programming. From there what we are taught by our parents and our individual experiences shape who we become and even dictate what we fear. Some of us fear change, we may fear the thoughts of others, or we may even fear ourselves.

To be truly happy we can not fear. It sounds simple, but it's actually quite difficult. As human beings we are constantly thinking and constantly worrying. Basically to let go of fear, we need to embrace it. We need to understand we don't know everything, not even close.

 We need to understand that the basis of all our fears is simply fearing the unknown and we need to realize that the unknown may not always be a bad thing.  At times as we approach the unknown it can appear to be a very negative thing, but just because something seems bad at the time doesn't mean it will always be that we. Even the worst experiences can lead us to a very happy ending.

I've found there really is no truth other than approaching life without fear, without trepidation, and approaching it with an open mind. Our own truths may vary, but they are constantly evolving. The truth we knew as a child is no longer the truth we know as a teen or an adult.

If we live our lives with an open mind and open heart, embracing our forever changing truth and perspective, we will find happiness. Happiness can be found by taking the time to abolish anger and hatred from our hearts.

We've all be wronged by another and we have all done something we regret.  If we stop and realize we all make mistakes and we all have the same emotions and walk a mile in another persons shoes we can grow as individuals. I have always followed the saying there is 3 sides to eveyr story, their side, your side and the truth. We all have biases, we all have ways we want to see things in order to better cope, we have views of people and ideas that we don't want to change and we fear seeing the truth instead of our own truth. Sometimes we need to take a hard look at things and realize, no matter how scary it is, that our truth may not be someone else's truth and neither truth is entirely accurate.

Human beings harbor anger, disgust and hatred to avoid taking that hard look at themselves or someone/something they believe in. Happiness can not be found in harboring these negative emotions. You may think you are happy, but ultimately what you feel is a false sense of feeling better than someone or something. That smug thinking will eventually lead to your own downfall.

I will say that evil does exist among the human race, but thankfully, those who have true maliciousness in their hearts and minds are few and far between. The majority of us are just trying to find our way and find our place on this rock floating in space. Most of us simply want to find happiness, love and to be loved. Those who do not care for those things can usually be easily picked out. They are the ones who, if they have children, don't put their children's need ahead of their own, for instance.They prefer to do what suits them than do what is right by their kids. They are the ones who don't care when they lose a loved one. They are the ones who can steal without the bat of an eyelash. They have no regard for human life outside of their own. I will reiterate, thankfully, there are not many people like this.

One day...  I hope we can all realize we just want the same things.That we all have made mistakes. We all have skeletons in our closets and we all have demons we must face. When we finally realize we all have negatives to contend with and that we ultimately all want the same thing, we can see true peace on this planet.

Grateful post #1 and #2

I just realized my earlier post today didn't include what I was grateful for as I said I was going to include positivity in my post.

I missed yesterday, so I'll include #1 in this post also. Every day I will have a post simply titled with a number.

I am grateful for my friends who are still around despite the fact that I went into full hermit mode a few months ago. I basically shut myself off from just about everyone, barely left my own bedroom, and rarely answered texts or calls. They are still here which lets me know they are true friends. They haven't put me down or cast harsh judgements... I am very lucky. Even friends from Massachusetts are still looking out for me and still care. I have to say thank you and I am grateful to have you in my life to Alysia, Yvette and Andrea from Massachusetts, and Penny, Roberta, Lee, Amber, Lisa, Mickey and Andrea from here in Nebraska. Thank you guys so much for understanding and putting up with me not being the greatest friend. I will definitely make it up to you all. I really want to reconnect with each and everyone of you this year.

I am grateful for my kids. Without them, I don't know where I would be. They all have completely different personalities, but are all very intelligent, empathetic and strong willed. I am supposed to be teaching them, but they definitely teach me something new everyday. I look forward to seeing the amazing people they become; However, I don't want to rush it even though they have an uncanny ability to drive me insane.

My oldest child's name is Ethan. He is 7 years old. Ethan is all boy. Though he does have a soft spot for stuffed animals, his blue blanket and cats. He is somehow athletically inclined (those genes must have been hidden), has the type of mind perfect for solving problems and figuring things out, he has ADHD. 

The signs of ADHD showed up early on, but I chalked it up to him being a rambunctious boy. He had a very hard time in Kindergarten and especially 1st grade. Even though he was eating a clean healthy diet and getting a lot of exercise his symptoms increased. He started taking Focalin in October of this year. The change has been amazing but also bittersweet.  I don't like the idea of him needing an amphetamine to be able to concentrate in school. I was secretly hoping the medication wouldn't work and prove he didn't really have ADHD. He is a happier kid on the medication, though, and I am a happier parent.  He received his very best report card last quarter. He is finishing his work in school and doesn't have to finish it at home now. He is excelling in math and science.  His reading comprehension is off the charts. I am hoping in the future he won't need the medication anymore.

My middle child is Rhiannon and she is nearly 6 years old. She is definitely all girl and a middle child.  She is into all things princess, flowery and pink.  It's a bit tough for me as I am not a girly girl at all but we manage. She is a perfect angel in classroom but can be quite the devil at home. She often has a diva-esque attitude and seems more into herself than other people. I think she would fit perfectly in a top position like CEO of a large company in the future. She has a fantastic memory and is quite the negotiator.

She recently got glasses due to pretty severe astigmatism in both eyes. She took to getting glasses rather well but lately has really not been wanting to wear them.  That reminds me, I need to make her a follow up appointment.

My youngest child is Maggie and she turned 4 years in November. She was born by emergency c-section at 35 weeks. Amazingly, she only had to spend 6 hours in the NICU. She has definitely kept up that strong will and desire to be around her parents at all times. She is more into playing by herself, with her siblings or adults rather than playing with peers. She also has an amazing memory like her sister, but unlike her sister she isn't a complete girly girl. She doesn't care for dresses but you will catch her trying to put on makeup or do her hair.

She has a speech delay. She was originally diagnosed with developmental delay but in November the state removed the label as she is excelling in her early childhood special education class.  She didn't say her first words until after the age of 2. She talks up a storm now and knows and understands a wide variety of words; the problem is articulation. It can be difficult at times to understand what she is saying. She is doing well with speech therapy and she is expected to over come this.

I am truly blessed to have these 3 amazing people as my children. They bring joy into my life and I can't imagine not having them here. They have actually just gone off to spend the night with Penny and Roberta and I miss them already. I sometimes feel like I still have some of that new mom paranoia. I worry they wont behave or will do something sneaky. Luckily, the love Penny, Lee and Roberta and actually listen to them, so I know they will be just fine. I just have crazy mom brain.

I don't want to be different

This post will probably sound somewhat narcissistic, I imagine. I assure you, I don't really think very highly of myself, though I do hope I can work on it so one day I will.

When I was younger, when I was in grade school, I often wondered if I was "different", as in special in some way. I think perhaps many of us wonder that and also hope we are. I used to hope  I was special on almost a divine level. I had grand plans for my future utilizing my "specialness".

 I was made fun of an bullied a lot in school so perhaps my hope, which bordered on belief, was a way I coped. I often used to think of myself in an invisible bubble or box. I felt so separated and detached from my peers. I truly didn't feel like I was the same as them and felt very different. Over time, I realized and convinced myself I was no more special than anyone else. I figured we all experienced life in pretty much the same except for individual experiences.

Now that I am older and have had more experiences, I realize that yes, in many ways, we are all pretty similar; but, there are differences in how we see and perceive the world around us.

While I still don't believe I am anymore special or better than anyone else, I grappling with the though that perhaps I am more different than I thought.  It's as if I have traveled back in time to my school age years. I feel like I am in that bubble again.

What makes me feel different is the fact that I am hyper sensitive to other peoples facial expressions, body language and emotions. My mother always told me I was hyper sensitive to these things growing up and she was right. I was also very volatile emotionally. These days I am not nearly as likely to fly off the handle.

Many people tell me I am hard to get close to and it seems like I have a wall up.  They are right.  It has to do with the fact that I seem to be very in tune with how others are feeling and sometimes even thinking. At times, it almost seems as though I know how another person feels before they do. I wish I could be as in tune with my own emotions as I am with others. I have no idea how to pull my wall down for others.

I have a hard time being around large groups of people because of this. I also have a hard time being around any one person for too long. I will literally take on the emotions of the people around me. If someone is mad, sad, depressed or anxious I end up feeling the same way.  Thankfully, the same goes for positive emotions.

I often wonder if I am one of few who experiences this. I have a hard time with it as I have moments of frustration that other people don't seem to pick up on the things I do.  I used to have a saying with my brother that he should just listen to me, because I am always right.  Of course, I am not always right but I will tell you, when it comes to analyzing another person I am pretty on point most of the time.

I have a hard time just talking about my feelings with a friend. I am usually the listener and will only bring up my feelings when I am giving an example of an experience in my life during a conversation, if I know a person really well, or like now, when I write. I am having more trouble even just bringing up things with people I am close to because I have found many of the people I have gotten to know don't like hearing about other people.

 Most people rather keep interactions shallow. Honestly, I have decided I prefer that as well now. I have been burned by too many people and rather not reveal much about myself anymore. I used to hope, wish and pray I would meet someone who I could tell anything and everything to. I would lay in bed at night thinking about how great it would be to just let everything in my head out and have someone really listen and not judge me. Hopefully this dream is not as far off as it used to be, but for now I don't have the ability to do that.  I can talk and talk and talk but I usually just drone on about things happening in the here and now. I express the majority of my thoughts and feelings in writing and will probably being doing a lot more of that.

I just know I don't want to be different and I don't want to feel secluded. I want to know other people can feel others emotions and can "read" the small things people say, words they choose, etc and be able to form a pretty accurate analysis of them. Mostly, I want to know that others can read me.

There are many people who think they have me pegged but they are way off. I need to open up more, but it's a terrifying idea as I am not sure how to do it properly. I tend to put those I let get close up on a pedestal. I put full trust and faith in them and become blinded. I no longer read them well (I still will feel their emotions) and tend to allow myself to be manipulated.  I go out of my way to help them. I go out of my way to make sure they aren't anything but happy. The biggest issue here is not that I end up hurt, but sometimes I end up hurting someone else in this process. It's like my brain goes into hibernation mode and I do idiotic things.

The first set is recognizing the problem and I have definitely recognized it.  I just need to work on a better way to fix it  instead of being reclusive. I need to learn how to shut off my hypersensitivity to people. I need to become hypersensitive to my own behavior. I need to find others who are like me. People who enjoy talking about the same things I do. People who feel the world in a similar way...

People who struggle with their own footprints that they have left behind. People who want to leave positive strong footprints on this earth in the future

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Becoming a Juggalo

Starting off the year right with two posts. No worries, I will still write tomorrow, haha.

I am sure most people know what a Juggalo is. For those who don't, to put it simply, a Juggalo is someone who is a fan of Insane Clown Posse (ICP). To go more in depth, is a Juggalo is not just a fan of ICP, a Juggalo relates to the music, understands the message and connects with others who feel the same. This where the "family" part comes in. Most Juggalos thinks of themselves, not as a group of fans, but as a family. They all became a fan of the music for a singular reason and it ties them all together.  In some ways, being a Juggalo is like being part of a religion. The idea is that "the family" will always have your back. Of course, like within any group of human beings, there are people who take advantage, manipulate, lie, cheat and steal. Human beings are not perfect and even some of the most reliable people end up doing one of the things I mentioned... I digress. Well, because there is name for this group they have been labeled a "gang" in many states.  Idiotic really.  Why aren't parrotheads a gang? Well because they don't proudly state their taste in music when committing a crime as some Juggalos do.  For the record, those people who steal, and murder other human beings are not Juggalos... they are simply heartless individuals who listen to the music.

I grew up in Massachusetts.  I remember hearing about ICP now and then. I had never heard their music and I never sought it out either.  I didn't know anyone who listened to it or called themselves a Juggalo. I met a guy we all called "Ohio"  and he had Twiztid tattooed down his forearm.  I asked him what his tattoo meant and he just simply told me it was the name of a band.

My parents and brother moved out to Omaha, Ne in 2005. My husband and I wouldn't end up following suit until the next year. While I was still in Mass and my brother was in Ne we would talk quite a bit. Thanks to a good friend of his taking the time to visit him in Nebraska and helping him out, my brother was able to make quite a few friends. The people he met and who immediately called him friend, called themselves Juggalos.  I remember my mother trying to explain it to me.  I thought is this some kind of weird "Giggalo" thing? My brother got more in depth and explained it to me. I couldn't help but think, "So because you all like the same bands you are now a family?"

When I finally moved to Omaha, my brother started playing some of the music for me. I liked some of it. I honestly felt held back in some ways from giving it a try because of my husband.  In my eyes he has always been a music guru, so to speak. So when he told me ICP and the likes were crap I kind of went with it, Even when I discovered I liked most of the albums and even had favorite songs I kind of kept it to myself.

My brother really got into the music and "the scene". He was sporting his silver hatchetman, his jerseys and concert t's. The big thing was, my brother got the message behind the violent lyrics.  He even called it prior to hearing "Thy unveiling".  He and I would talk about the music, the message, the style and the marketing and business aspect.

When my brother died I decided to collect most of his cd's and listen real hard yet again.  I knew most of the songs by heart already and even knew the meaning, but wanted a new perspective.

I have to say Twiztid is my favorite now. I love most of ICP's older stuff but there are a few songs on Bang Pow Boom and The Mighty Death Pop that I absolutely love too. I really understand the message that they are trying to convey. I love it from the business side and the incredible marketing.  I love Violent J's and Shaggy's story.

 I dislike some fans idea of what family is and what Juggalo means.I dislike using the face paint and lyrics to manipulative, garner sympathy or commit crimes. I dislike the idea that everything must stay the same in the world of "The wicked shit". Twiztid has left the psychopathic label, but they are sill Juggalos. They are still the epitome of family and what it means. I hear people crying that ICP "Made" twiztid and how dare they leave? It makes me think... our mothers and fathers essentially made us, and we all eventually (one hopes) leave the nest. We go on to make our own lives. Can that analogy not be made here? I hear people cry that this is the end of the collab groups Dark Lotus and Psychopathic Rydas. Has no one heard of people from different labels collaborating on songs or different groups? This outcry about Twiztid leaving, leaves me wondering if this isn't a sign of the times. Many reports have comes out showing younger generations are ill equipped to deal with the future (changes) needing mommy and daddy every step of the way. We are seeing people who can not see past the end of their own noses, people who lack empathy, compassion, sympathy or simple the ability to know not everyone is the same.

I have always said, "I am not a Juggalo, I just like the music". Today, I am telling the world, that yes, I am a Juggalo. I have been involved in all the developments.I understand the lyrics. I can grasp the story behind it all.  I know many Juggalos. I get along with Juggalos, we relate.  I am a Juggalo.

Now, some of you may ask "Why is she calling herself a Juggalo and not a Juggalette?" The reason is simple, when Juggalos "came to be" it was Juggalo. It was decided somewhere that there needed to be gender specific name for females.  I don't believe there needs to be a specific name for the female lovers of ICP, Twiztid and so on. Why differentiate? Aren't we all a part of it for the same reasons? Do we not all feel and think the same? It's Juggalo....

I have to credit my brother for introducing me to a group of people who I can get along with and leaving behind something that will always remind me of him. I'm late in the game.  I am not as cool as those who have "been down for like 20 years", but I get it, I love it and I live it.

Happy New Year... sort of

Here we are... another new year another new beginning.

As you know from my previous blog posts, 2012 was not a very good year for me. Barring any "beyond my control" circumstances I am dead set on making 2013 a great year for me. The number 13 is my lucky number and also represents the day I was born on in March. This year the full date of my birthday adds up to 13.  I am a fan of numbers so I am positive this year will be my year.  I understand it sounds crazy, but its my motivation, so to speak.

I have decided I will make a post a day for the entire year and perhaps beyond. I have mentioned writing is a cathartic way of clearly my mind and composing myself. I am positive writing each day will have numerous benefits for me. While not all my posts will be happy, I am going to start them all with a positive thing about myself and my life.

This year, I am also hoping to start a good exercise and eating regimen.  I spent most of the last year moving very little and eating a load of crap. It's been shown a good diet and regular exercise improve mood as well as ones health. I need an improvement in both areas for sure.

Another thing I plan to do this year is to let go of the past and charge on, head held high into my future. I have spent too much time holding on to past mistakes and thinking about how I can change things.  I have realized I can only change my thoughts in the present which will change my future. All my past mistakes were lessons.  I have learned from them so I will not repeat them.  I have let go of toxic people and my own toxic thinking. There are too many ways to count that I have allowed other people to influence my thinking and behavior. I am my own person, with my own thoughts. I got caught up in worrying about what other people will do, say or feel.  They are their own person, with their own thoughts and more importantly their own lessons to learn and I need to not worry about hurting their feelings if I don't want to go along with their ideas. It's what got me in trouble last year and lead to my insane amount of guilt and shame.  It was my mistake... my lesson to be learned.

I wanted to come on here and write a positive post today and outline all my changes for this year; However, I am not sure I can do that. I am in depressed mood. Last year, I spent New Years eve with my brother.  It was to be his last day drinking. We had a blast. This year I had a good time also, don't get me wrong.  I watched movies and ate fun snack foods with my kids. They made it to midnight and they ended up sleeping in until 11am today. I just felt empty. It didn't feel like NYE.  Even if my brother hadn't been here, he would have called at midnight.

I miss my brother like crazy. We didn't always get along. We had epic fights. Sometimes we didn't talk for awhile.  The one thing you could always count on between us is that we always forgave each other. We had a great 23 days of January, 2012. We hung out almost every weekend. It was like we both finally saw that even in our darkest moments when we felt like no one cared, we had each other. I felt good for those 23 days. Things felt like they were going to be ok.  I know it wasn't that way for him. He was freaked out about his upcoming court date for the DUI.  I tried my hardest to calm him down, but as the date grew closer he got more and more anxious. He just didn't want to face it.  He didn't. Though he still has a warrant for not showing up for court. Sometimes I think I should go ahead and turn his ashes in.

I like to think maybe this wouldn't be so hard had my brother died in a car accident, by accidental overdose or some other type of accident. The fact that it was a gastrointestinal hemorrhage... it's just beyond comprehension.  He was 26. He was just sleepy before he went to bed at midnight (which was early for him). I saw him just the day prior. His only complaint was being more than normal anxious and sweaty. He never said his stomach hurt, never complained of signs of bleeding...  it makes no sense. Massive GI bleeds don't kill 26 year olds without some kind of signs.

 I am wondering if I can request the full autopsy report.  I am curious to see if it will shed light on exactly what happened. I kind of have a sick need to know exactly what went on in his body that night as he slept.  I have always been very interested in the medical sciences. I have read a lot and understand quite a bit for someone who has not been to medical school. Perhaps that is what drives my need to know? Perhaps its that I want to ensure it won't happen to me? Maybe I want to know there is way to prevent it from happening to anyone else I know?  I am not really sure, I just need to know. As my brother was not married and had no children, my father is his next of kin. I don't know if only he can request the autopsy report or if I can.  I wonder if it's too late as it has been almost a year. Do they throw those things out?

I wish I was not sitting here writing about my brothers autopsy, in fact, thinking back on the fact I am makes me want to vomit. It's just I made it through Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas without any major problem but for some reason New Year's Eve just tripped something in me. I am really never going to see him again. He really is gone forever. It wasn't supposed to be this way. It's not what I had planned. It's just not right. I need my best friend.

 I want him to somehow come back.  I want this so bad I pretend ghost detecting apps on my stupid iphone could somehow communicate with him if he was around.  I want to talk to him so bad I talk to psychics hoping to get a solid message. I have to admit I have gotten some very accurate readings, but it's never enough. Every night before I go to bed I pray I will have a dream of him.  I use apps that play binaural beats hoping it will bring my brainwaves to some type of "higher state" so maybe I can have an out of body experience and go visit him. I know all people who experience the death of a close loved one wish for that person back. I also know, all people grieve in their own ways; Despite that, I wonder if I have absolutely lost it.

He was so intelligent. He was so quirky. He is my brother. I am dedicating 2013 to him.  I am going to make good on my promise to him, our pact. I am going to do what it takes to be happy.  I am not going to sit and be complacent anymore. I am going to work toward doing what I have dreamed of and being happy. 2012 showed me what I don't want to be. 2012 showed me life is short. 2013 will be a year of change.