I have been in a pretty awful mood for the past week. There is truly no rhyme nor reason for it. I am just pissed off. I can get it under control for a few hours and then BAM, I am irritated as all hell again. This cycle is pissing me off in and of itself, so I am not a pleasant person so be around for the time being.
The trouble is, my being in a bad mood seems to be making people think it is about them. Everyone seems to think I am mad at them and that is a problem because it just puts me in a worse mood.
I have been thinking a lot. It's nothing spectacular or earth shattering. I am just sort of in an "analyze this" mode. Nothing devastating has come from my thoughts nor will anything devastating happen. I am simply thinking about a lot of different things. I am mostly thinking about myself, my life and my perspectives. Certain little things set the wheels turning and I have to let them turn.
It's very difficult when you feel like you can't think or you feel like you are not allowed to be in a bad mood. It seems everyone around me is getting into a huff about it and is making it all out to be a bigger deal than it is. I just need to get through my moment. Heck, I might just have really bad PMS or it could be my thyroid hormone levels evening out. It is really not a crisis when I am in a bad mood. We all get in bad moods now and then. It's just that other people are allowed to think and be a bit pissy, and well, I'm not.
I am rambling. I just had to write this out because it's making me anxious. I am getting close to panic attack level with this anxiety. I have sort of shut down and don't want to talk to anyone directly because it is just that overwhelming. I feel like if I say anything the person I am speaking to is going to take it in some weird way. Then they will go and get sympathy and kind words for the way they are feeling while I am sitting here feeling like a pathetic piece of shit for daring to have emotions and thoughts.
Yes, I am being whiny and jealous and selfish with those feelings. I don't care. It's how I am feeling. I will stop feeling like this. I know that. It's just for the time being I am having a great deal of difficulty controlling this anxiety as I am not sure what it is that is causing it exactly. I need to retreat from the world for a bit so I can just calm down and get back to being pleasant and happy. If I am anything but I am being an evil witch and trying to bring people down or some other such crap.
I feel the same way frequently. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately as human beings we are wired to internalize things. We seek out things, wondering if it's something we've done or the other side, something we can help to fix. I see the things you are going through and I try my very best to be supportive and to simply be someone to vent to at the very least. Sadly I also tend to think that a small portion of the negativity stems from things I have said or done. One of the BIGGEST things about me that I am working hardest on to change cause to be honest, it sucks feeling like you fucked up even when you KNOW you didn't. I know you'll feel better and I, for one, will be here through thick and thin no matter what the issue is.
ReplyDeleteAs for being 'whiny,jealous or selfish' You have every right in the world to feel that way no matter who it is. You do a lot for people and sadly it seems to sometimes go unappreciated. Let them, me, whoever it is at any moment that makes you feel that way, know exactly how you feel. It's you God given right to have a bad day, week, hell especially month right now.
When we are at our worst we truly find the real people in our lives. Even if their reactions aren't initially what we expect or want, after thought has been put into things most of us realize we react in a way that is contrary to what we feel.
I close by saying that I love you, and you be as angry and whiny and selfish as you need to be. For once it's YOUR feelings and emotions that need to be important instead of everyone else dictating them.